"When I see your face, I see the image of God" - A stranger I will never know. It was a year and a half ago in the middle of Kenya. I had already gotten two urinary tract infections in one month and I was battling my third. Fresh water was not available at the orphanage we were staying at, so I was on my daily walk into town to get bottled water. This had become routine and my feet guided me along the dirt roads filled with cattle and chickens. I greeted everyone I passed and like usual, drew a crowd. As we laughed and approached the small shanty town, I went to my favorite shack to get water. Laughter was exchanged as I brokenly communicated I needed more water... Again. I walked home alone and drank in everything about that moment. Then literally, out of nowhere, a man in a wooden cart that was pulled by a donkey (think Monty Python and the Holy Grail) passed by me and told me - "When I see your face, I see the image of God". I never saw him again. I don't know where he came from or where he was headed. I don't know his name and I couldn't pick him out of a crowd. He was my angel. He was my affirmation. From that moment on, I knew Africa would not be a part of my life, but my whole life.
That being said, arriving back in America has been anything but comfortable. I long to be back in Africa. I replay every moment of Rwanda and Uganda. I can hear laughter and picture all my favorite smiles. My heart aches for one more set of hands running through my tangly hair. I miss all my friends in the market making headbands. I miss planning what our projects are going to look like. I miss the chaos of the streets. I miss cars zooming by me on my morning runs. I miss being made fun of for my English... I miss everything.
As I find myself being wrapped up in what was or what could've been or what is coming, I forgot about what is. I forgot to ask God what He needs of me now... Why He brought me back. Why my knees, yet again, brought me back from a dream. As we finalize dates for surgery, I truly feel like I am back at square one. But as I start to turn my focus back to The Maker's hand in this, I feel my burdens being lifted. I feel the Lord "making streams in the wasteland".
I will be finalizing the date for my seventh surgery tomorrow. My heart drops at the thought of the recovery ahead. It never seems to get easier. I am definitely able to manage the process better, but the reality never gets easier to swallow. Right as doubt sets in, God shows up... Yet again. He brings me hope in the form of 6 people:
My sister, Lindsay - Even though we all thought I was going to be in Uganda for Christmas and my birthday, she had my present all ready for me when I got home. She knows my heart inside and out. She listens and observes everything about me. In her quiet, reserved way, she has given me unconditional love that I could feel 10,000 miles away as well as one bedroom over. Neatly wrapped in two little boxes were two pairs of fabulous TOMS. She knows that my heart is overjoyed when others are being helped through what I'm receiving. So everyone, meet Linz :)
My sister, Sydney - She went above and beyond for Rays of Grace while I was gone. Rallying fundraisers and spreading the word about Africa everywhere she went. Rarely was the conversation about her or what she was up to, but rather how she could get more people involved in helping in Uganda and Rwanda. I would get messages or emails being introduced as, "my sister who lives in Africa" and would beam from ear to ear with a heart full of joy. After many months apart, we were finally reunited today and haven't stopped laughing since the airport. We were able to crack jokes, talk about our hopes and dreams, and fill each other in on everything we missed in one another's lives. This is my fabulous Ferg :)
My brother, Blake - We have the same heart. He has been above and beyond patient with me. He listens to me when I need to unload and cracks extremely funny jokes when he sees my heart could use a little cheering up. He drives me everywhere and never once complains or tells me he can't. He has let me be quiet when he sees that my mind is in turmoil. He has encouraged me and loved me by and by. He never once pushes me to fit into a mold or be someone I'm not, he literally just loves me for who I am... At all times. Praise God for the grace he shows not only me, but everyone he meets. Blake, you are a gift to this world. Meet my heart of hearts :)
My sister, Abigail - Ooooo my goodness where to begin. She has been with me through it all. In her fabulously quiet way, she encourages me to my core. Whether it be an email, a text, or a gift, she always has a way of bringing a smile to my face. She offers me advice that is laced with kindness and love. She is always quick to give me a hug or let me cry. She listens without judgment and always makes time for a Chik-Fil-A date, a baking session, or a midnight snack. She is the bees knees. My beautiful Gail :)
My beautiful Mama Bear, Sue - she loves me with an everlasting love. A love that knows no boundaries. It is free and always unconditional. She has gone to the ends of the earth for me and never expects anything in return. She loves every part of me... The ugliest of ugly and the most stubborn and frustrating parts. She never gets angry with me, but instead approaches me with this unreal amount of grace and patience. Like Blake, she lets me be quiet when my mind is reeling and my heart is crushed. She speaks kindly to me when all I can do is cry in return. She brushes my hair and tickles my back before bed as my pillow gets soaked with my tears. She knows these tears come from the hole in my heart that is Africa. She knows every hope and dream that has ever passed through my heart. She knows of my failures and heartbreaks and loves me all the same. She takes me to get my toes done just because. She knows my struggles, fears and failures and encourages me to keep fighting. I will never be able to thank her enough for being the best mom in the world... No amount of words would suffice. Meet the gem of all gems :)
Last but never ever ever least, my incredible dad, Kurt - The last conversation I had before I left Uganda was with this guy. He knows how hard I worked to get to Uganda and Rwanda. He saw the tears that came with a year of building Rays of Grace. He saw firsthand the doubts and fears. He knew and continues to know that the Lord has called me to Africa. As we talked about having to come home for surgery from 10,000 miles away, he never once forced me to come back. He listened to me cry. He spoke kindly and softly to my ever-so-fragile heart. He offered wisdom and guidance. He was slow to speak and quick to love. He has let me process everything and allowed me to regroup. He has helped with the process to surgery and will continue to walk alongside of me throughout everything. I could never ask for a better dad. I am so so so so indescribably thankful that God allowed him to be mine. Everyone meet the most rad dad of all time :)
So, although my heart longs for Africa, He has me here for a purpose. He is doing a new thing and I perceive it. My hands are slowly opening back up to receive His purpose in this new mountain I'm climbing. God is not a God of confusion or mistakes and I am clinging tight to such an incredible promise. He has loved us all, as His children, with an everlasting, enduringly strong love. Who am I to reject such a beautiful gift?
I want to be the image of God everywhere I go... Not just when it's convenient for me. So go out and love. Love hard and big on those around you and those far away. Live a life that makes an impact. Be different and be bold.
So much love and endless grace,
britt :)
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