“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy
Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought
at a price. Therefore honor God
with your bodies” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
For a little over 23 years now, I have been hanging out
inside the confines of the same body.
Truth be told: most days up until the past year, I have taken it for
granted. I assumed that being
alive, pain free, and healthy was pretty darn normal. I assumed that living an active lifestyle was something that
would always be attainable to me.
I could care less about the miles I ran or the number of times I fell
down and scraped my once “good” knees.
I would race my two older sisters (Lindsay and Sydney) and my little brother (Blake) all around parks,
backyards, the house, the golf course, and the trampoline.
the MOST RAD siblings a girl could ask for
I would run for hours on end with my
friends on the playground, only stopping for snack time. I was never restricted in any activity
and never in a million years imagined that I ever would be. The only time I dabbled with the
emergency room was when my sister, Sydney, and I were racing to the car to go
pick up a pizza with our dad. Our
super mom was out of town for the weekend, which meant close-to-no rules. As Sydney and I darted towards the car,
my hand caught an edge and sliced open.
Long story short, we called every mom in the neighborhood asking what to
do and wound up at urgent care, stitching that bad boy up. It made for a cool story, a decent
battle wound, and a get out of 1st grade writing activities free
card.
Being hurt seemed super awesome in my 1st grade mind.
As years passed and the intensity of my activities grew, I
found my body training harder and being pushed to limits that were destined for
destruction. My athletic career
went from backyard night games, to competitive soccer. I began to take this once healthy body
for granted. It was the Spring of
my freshman year of high school and we were one practice away from the state
quarter finals. In all of my
freshman glory, I had been given an opportunity to start the next game and was
working my butt off in practice.
All it took was one moment of one normal day to alter the rest of my
life. I blew out my left knee that
day. I was 15 when I received my
first surgery. For the last 8 years, I have been in
and out of doctor’s appointments, MRI’s, x-rays, blood work, surgeries,
physical therapy, braces, crutches, and heartache. In just one short week, I will be receiving my 8th knee
surgery. These surgeries used to
seem routine, but now they break my heart. They don’t break my heart in a “whoa is me” kind of way, but
rather in an “I can’t believe I let things get this out of hand” kind of way. The bone damage that I received in my
original injury caused my knees to never fully heal. Rather than humbling my heart and myself, and looking into
alternative lifestyle options, I went harder and more intense. Through all of the overcompensation, I
damaged my right knee, my hips, my back and my shoulders. I’ve received injections,
prescriptions, and doctor’s telling me what surgery I can have on what joint at
what time. Arthritis is an old
friend now and most days, I wish that I were old enough for joint replacements.
So fast-forward to the present: All of my activities are
limited to a certain amount of time and a certain level of intensity. I spend 2-4 hours a day in
therapy. I have been humbled to my core with the
reality that nothing in this world, down to my very body, is my own. You see, this body of mine that I have
been hanging out in for 23 years, is only here for one reason – to be a tool
for The Kingdom. God has
absolutely used every moment of the last 8 years, whether broken or healed, to reveal
more and more grace. With another
surgery rapidly approaching, He has shown me that I am only here to bring more
home and that I better fight like crazy to take care of myself so that He can
use me fully. With the loss of
control of my physical being, it has taught me to let go of everything… And
trust me this isn’t a quick thing that happens over night. It has taken prayer, heartache,
rejection, tears, crying out, and bad days to reach this point of peace. Peace in acknowledging that I’m not in control
and never will be. God has used
physical handicaps in my life to teach me how to give things up that once upon
a time, I felt entitled to… like being on the ground in Uganda and Rwanda full
time, taking a morning run, a college education, four years of soccer at my
dream university, a safe life with a steady job, a white picket fence, four
kids, and a super foxy husband (just to name a few). I have taken these desires and handed them right on over to God. Sometimes handing my dreams
over feels like I have lost a piece of my heart. I have come to find that, that piece had to be removed, only to
leave a gaping hole so that there was more space for God. The Holy Spirit came to fill those
“missing pieces”. And now, I don’t
want any of those pieces back. The
fullness I feel in my soul was worth every painful teardrop that came with
losing those things that I once held onto so tightly.
Most days I catch myself dreaming of rollerblading with Sydney again, passing the soccer ball with Lindsay, making up crazy games with Blake on the trampoline... Sometimes I cry at these thoughts, knowing that they are out of my physical reach. But on the other days, I have to smile at them and thank God that once upon a time, I experienced the fullness of being physically healthy and free.
the good life
As my American Dream turned from white picket fences to my
next plane ticket back to the third world, I have learned more than I could
ever put into words. I urge each
of you to be fully present wherever you are, whether sick or healthy, with or
without, mourning or dancing, be fully present. Don’t miss a thing.
Don’t wish this day away because you will never get it back. Don’t wish for what others have,
rejoice in the beautiful things you’ve been given. Pray big prayers and love in a big way. Love in a way that turns people’s days
around. Be a light in this dark
place. Take care of yourself and
learn to love all that you are, because there’s only one of you and chances
are, you are pretty gosh darn rad.
Don’t lose sight of the present by getting caught up in what’s to
come. Remain hopeful and wishful,
but don’t lose sight of the reason you are here on earth. Use your body as a temple so that
others can see The Kingdom.
Thank you for keeping up with Rays of Grace and all of the
in between of this crazy little ride I’m on. My heart is constantly overflowing with thankfulness for
each of you :) Giving you all a big old hug :)
With all the biggest love ever of all time,
britt :)
