Endurance.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us" - Romans 5:3-5

Two of my favorite things in the entire world are Africa and running.  When the two are put together, my heart is overcome by joy.  I love the red dirt roads lined with screaming children, the fresh breeze greeting my face, the freedom that captivates me with each passing step, the blue skies that dance over my head and the African sunshine that warms my face.  All these things bring tears to my eyes 98% of the time during my run.  I can't help but think to myself, "Surely this is a glimpse into the Kingdom.  This joy and this freedom are so life-giving".  

My perfect little African running utopia came to an abrupt halt a few weeks ago.  With knees too weak to support me, I let go of a piece of my heart.  With one misstep and a fall that sent shocks of pain through my legs, all the endurance I had built to sustain my body was taken away in an instant.  The reality of more surgeries hung heavy above my head.  I was convinced that I could battle through these physical sufferings while still serving my brothers and sisters in Africa.  As the weeks passed, my joints grew weaker and I faced a harsh reality of coming home.  Walking became a task and getting out of bed became a fight.  I reassured myself that I was going to battle through these physical setbacks and continue to serve everyone each day and pretend that all was well.  While I thought I was persevering, I was damaging my body in a way that has hindered my path in Africa.  

So through tears, I write to each of you with an insanely heavy heart.  I will be returning home tomorrow to start my surgery process.  Admitting this to myself and letting the heaviness sink in feels like daggers in my heart.  I cannot tell if my heart hurts more than my knees or the other way around.  After a conversation with my parents, filled with tears and the painful truth, we booked a flight home.  Through all my stubbornness and defiance (haha), I had to let go of my will once again and let the Lord work.  I do not have the answers as to why this is happening or where my path is leading, but I do know that God is holding my heart so tight and so close.  I know that only His glory and faithfulness will be seen through this.  I know that He will continue to work through me and through Rays of Grace in Africa when I cannot physically be present here.  I know that He will heal me in perfect timing.  I am clinging to all these things with a hopeful heart.

With a daunting multi-surgery process ahead of me, I can't help but remain hopeful.  Hopeful in the fact that I will have time to devote my undivided attention to building Rays of Grace stateside, fundraising, sharing my story, ministering to others and the list goes on.  My hands are empty and my heart is open to receive whatever God has in store for me.  My spirit is undoubtably sad... Saying good bye to Africa always takes a piece of my heart.  I cling to the hope of returning.  I pray that each of you still follow this crazy journey and take away encouragement from how the Lord is working.  I will continue to update my blog, the website, Facebook and whatever other form of social media I can get my hands on :) 

I pray that you glory in your sufferings and cry out to God for guidance.  Always turn to Him and He will make your paths straight.  Nothing He does is a mistake, it is all a part of His perfect plan.  Take away hope, joy and encouragement from all these things :) 

Again, I love you all so much and can't thank you enough for all of your support.  Keep praying for Rays of Grace and the wonderful future it holds.

Until next week :) 

So much love, joy and grace,

britt :)

Never Far From My Heart 

        

Belly of the Fish.

"The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: 'Go to the great city Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.'  But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish.  He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port.  After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.  Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up" - Jonah 1:1-4.

Three weeks into my time here, the Lord spoke Uganda to my heart.  After entertaining the idea for no longer than a day, I was quickly overcome by how hard it would be to get there, how hard it would be to start over and every other selfish excuse I could think of.  I suppressed the calling and trudged on here in Rwanda.  Similar to Jonah, I heard the word of God speak and I ran away from it.  It seemed so much easier and much more comfortable to remain in my established little life here.  I had lived here before, I had connections, I knew the language and the list goes on.  While I was busy going to bat for myself, God was busy rocking my world.  Over the past month I have been able to truly cry out and ask God what He needed from me and where He needed me.  Day after day He answered Uganda.  Day after day I answered, "I'll just stay here and establish another Rays of Grace location in Uganda next year".  God is not a God of compromise and His will is always fulfilled.  I started to examine the past two months and truly take the time to listen... With my hands wide open and my heart softened to receive.  With all my guards down, I let God seep in.  Once I started to mindfully listen, God began to close doors in Rwanda and provide open doors in Uganda.   

"Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.  From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God.  He said: 'In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me.  From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry'" - Jonah 1:17-2:1-2.

I have spent close to 5 hours every single morning at the government offices going to bat for Rays of Grace for the past month.  I have become a one white girl circus to them which they have taken to for their own entertainment.  I have done everything they have asked of me.  I have bent over backwards to try and become established in Musanze.  Right as I have done the last possible task they ask of me... There's more.  There's one more stamp to get, one more lawyer to visit, one more bus trip to Kigali and the list goes on.  I saw a change in my attitude and a change in my heart throughout this month.  I started to work for man and not for the Lord.  I started to lose sight of joy and passion.  Within these moments of doubt and confusion, God pressed stop and I spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday in the belly of the fish.  I prayed, researched, emailed, sought out wisdom and advice, talked with my parents and wrestled with the reality of God asking me to take up my cross... Again.  I had doubts and questions about the children and people I have been helping with.  Do I just leave them?  Not at all.  A local organization here (based in Germany) has been temporarily dormant while they returned to Germany to fundraise for the next quarter.  They help and employ all of the SAME people I have been working with.  They will return next month to start up their work again.  Needless to say, God is good and endlessly faithful in His timing and guidance.  I will not have to abandon the work that was started, it will be beautifully continued.  

"'But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you.  What I have vowed I will make good.  I will say, 'Salvation comes from the Lord'" - Jonah 2:9.

So here I am now, a ticket to Uganda for Thursday afternoon.  I will be reuniting with my Ugandan friend, Jackson, who I had the opportunity of serving with last Summer.  We will be establishing and growing Jackson's newly established school.  Our mission will still maintain its promise of sustainable living.  We will hire properly educated teachers and staff members to run the classes and programs.  We want to make sure that children are able to complete a full education, all the way from Primary School to College.  We want to make sure they are immersed in life-giving activities during down time.  For the partial orphaned children who have mother's and/or grandmother's, we will still employ them and educate them on finances and budgeting.  Rays of Grace has two wonderful high school students who have vowed to take a gap year in the Fall of 2013 to devote 6 months of service to our project.  Connor Schmitt attends Valor Christian High School and Nick Deplato attends Arapahoe High School.  They will both graduate in May and will work to fundraise until they are able to head out in October.  Rays of Grace is humbled and excited for such willing hearts to join this journey.  My heart overflows with thankfulness and shouts of joy.  Burdens have been lifted and my path has been rerouted and blessed once again.

I acknowledge that this may come off as sudden and a bit confusing for those reading.  I pray that God overwhelms your heart with peace and comfort as we all acknowledge that His will is being done above all else.  I would so appreciate prayers for safety in traveling, guidance, discernment, strength courage, wisdom and humility to God's will.  

Thank you guys so much for joining this journey and being willing to watch the Lord work.  I am so excited for what the next couple of months has in store!  Be sure to check back in to keep up with everything :) 

Sending all my love ALWAYS!

britt :)